The Happy and Prosperous Blog

Yesterday we looked at the assumptions and rules we make up that cause added complexity in our lives. Today let’s look at another big cause of complexity - the disease to please.

Pleasing Others

Wanting to please other people is natural and normal. The question is - how far do we take it. Some people take this much further than others and aim to please as many people as possible even if that means a lot of self-sacrifice on their own part. At the other extreme some people just please themselves with no regard for anyone else but they are in a small minority.

Partners

The ‘disease to please’ does seem to be a common feature of many people’s personalities. It certainly has been with me in the past and it was most prevalent in my relationships. I would want my partner to be happy and so I would agree to go out to places I didn’t really want to go to and be with people that I didn’t really feel good with. I wasn’t conscious of these feelings at the time - I wasn’t aware of my disease to please - it all just seemed like natural and normal behaviour to me. Then, one day, I would realise that I was living a life that didn’t really fit with me and I would suddenly start to feel uncomfortable in the relationship, as if I didn’t belong there any more. After several repeats of this pattern with different partners, I finally got the message about my disease to please and I don’t have the disease any more. I do need to be careful, however, as I think I am still a bit susceptible. If we end up trying to please other people too much, our own values and beliefs can get neglected and we can become alienated from our real selves. When we start to lose our authenticity, we put our health as well as our happiness at risk.

Parents and Others

Of course this doesn’t just apply with partners. I have known of people who are trying to please a parent (alive or dead) Do you know anyone whose life has been shaped by trying to live up to the demands or expectations of a parent ? They live a life someone else wanted for them, but not their own life.

Whoever it is we want to please, we try to measure up and may do all sorts of things that are not really us in the process. It may be an impossible task but we still carry on. Sometimes we try to meet some standards or behaviour that we think others expect of us. However, in reality they don’t - it’s just our fantasy. So we make our lives more difficult for no good reason.

True Love

Of course, approval is important to us. Of course, we fear rejection or confrontation which is why the disease is so powerful. However, real love - true love - means wanting others to develop and to be happy in whatever way is best for them - it doesn’t meaning fitting in with them all the time. For ourselves, we need congruence - our beliefs, values, interests, skills etc. need to be lined up with everything we do so we can operate as a harmonious whole. This is our best chance for true health and happiness.

Self-Respect

So, be very careful of people who expect you to be different to who you really are and beware of your own internal tendency to succumb to the ‘disease to please’. Pleasing others is fine if it nourishes the giver as much as the receiver. Altruism is OK - continual self-sacrifice is not. Respect yourself, value yourself - in doing so you will gain the respect of others.

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