Everything Before the BUT

Nov 23 2007

Published by Roger at 9:22 pm under Personal Development

‘Hey Roger, I think your blog is great but I don’t like the picture at the top.’

Now if someone said this to me, I would feel rather disappointed. The way I would interpret their comment would be to ignore the first phrase about thinking the blog is great and I would focus on them not liking the picture. In fact I would be suspicious about whether they liked the blog at all ! I might even get to feeling defensive and I would probably not be willing hear their criticism, even if it were constructive.

The problem, for me, is the word BUT. But and And

AND
Imagine instead, they had said ‘Hey Roger, I think your blog is great and I don’t like the picture at the top’.

My response would be quite different. I would be inclined to believe that they genuinely did like the blog and that they were offering some constructive criticism too. By using AND, I take it that they are offering 2 different comments which are not related or dependent on each other. So I am much more likely to be in a frame of mind where I will want to hear their feedback. It’s as if it takes the emotion out of it as well. If they had used BUT in the sentence then the criticism in the second part really detracts from the compliment to my mind and it feels more emotionally charged.

When I worked in the corporate world and I had to do appraisals for people in my team, we were advised not to use the word BUT in this way when giving feedback. The received wisdom was that ‘everything before the BUT is bullshit’. That has been my experience when people have used that style of communication with me.

Everyday Language

Now, what about in our ordinary everyday language - when we’re talking to our partner, our friends or our children ? How often do we use sentences with BUT in the middle ?

‘Thanks for cooking dinner darling but it would be nice to have rice with this next time instead of potatoes.’

‘It’s great that you have tidied up your room but I wanted you to make your bed too.’

‘Thanks for helping me clean up my computer but it still doesn’t seem to run any faster.’

Try reading these sentences substituting AND for BUT and notice in what ways it feels different to you.

Using BUT is another one of those things which we can learn to be more aware of. My challenge for you today is to ban the word BUT from your vocabulary for a day. Try it and see how you feel and how people respond to you. Let me know what happens.

Thanks for reading.

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8 Responses to “Everything Before the BUT”

# Christine O'Kellyon 24 Nov 2007 at 2:05 pm

This is wonderful Roger! I’ve never thought of this with quite some much depth before. I’m fascinated by the way that words define our manner of thinking. This is a wonderful post and I will certainly take your challenge of working to purge it from my vocabulary!

Christine
# Rockyon 24 Nov 2007 at 4:55 pm

Good point, poor solution. What you are suggesting is improper grammar. Believe me, I’m not grammar wonk, but if someone said “and” to me in some of those sentences I would think they were an idiot.
# Christine O'Kellyon 24 Nov 2007 at 5:58 pm

I don’t think that he is saying you should replace the word ‘but’ with ‘and’ in all of these examples. He’s saying “How often do we use sentences with BUT in the middle?”

The challenge is in rewording so that you don’t say the word ‘but.’ For example, ‘It’s great that you have tidied up your room. I’ll bet it would look even better if you were to make your bed too.’

The second way sounds less condescending and more empowering.

My 2 cents ~

Christine
# Rogeron 24 Nov 2007 at 8:25 pm

Hi Christine and Rocky
Thanks to you both for your feedback.
Rocky - I’m intrigued that you think ‘and’ in the sentences makes them into improper grammar. I have to be honest and say I do talk in this way (at least some of the time) and would use ‘and’ in those sentences in place of ‘but’ !
Christine - does my proposed solution sounds a bit awkward to you too ? I’m reading that between the lines in your comment. I wonder if this type of phrasing sounds clumsy or wrong to American ears (I’m assuming you’re American too Rocky) and maybe it’s OK to British ears. Or is it just my ears ??
Anyway, I hope we can all agree that Christine’s suggestion of phrasing works well for all of us whichever version of English we speak.
Thanks again for your comments
Roger
# The Baldchemiston 25 Nov 2007 at 2:39 am

Well here is where inflexion and intonation play a big part. The ifs and and buts are irrelevant if the syntax, inflexion and intonation empathise with the meaning.
Unfortunately sms, computor speak and You Americans have crucified a great language.
But… on the other hand who am I to know/
Tha Baldchemist
# Rogeron 25 Nov 2007 at 6:56 pm

Hi there Baldchemist
Thanks for your comments on the debate. I agree that inflexion and intonation are important here. When I use the sentences with AND in them, I tend to emphasise that word.

I also feel that the actual words are important too. There is a big difference in meaning to me between a sentence with ‘and’ in the middle and the same sentence with ‘but’.

Regarding your comments on the language itself, well I have to disagree. English is a rich language and it continues to evolve and develop in lots of different ways for different reasons and for different groups of people. I am all in favour of that as it shows that English is a living and dynamic language.
# Gavinon 26 Nov 2007 at 3:23 pm

Good one Roger. Like you I have no problem with using “and” instead of bur, and have never had anybody respond badly to it. What is more important, correct grammer or correct understanding? Interestingly someone one told me two other was of looking at how the word “but” is interpreted.
B - Behold the
U Underlying
T Truth

Or alternatively everything before but is bull***t
# Rogeron 26 Nov 2007 at 3:59 pm

Hi Gavin
Thanks for your thoughts on this subject. Pleased that the ‘and’ option works for you too !
Never heard the Behold the Underlying Truth acronym before. Sounds a bit sinister doesn’t it ? Like it